I’ve also found out by experience that if you use a standard template for a living will, it may only apply if you have an incurable fatal disease or if you are in a permanent unconscious state. Neither of those conditions applied when my husband went into the hospital and yet he wasn’t of sound mind to make decisions for himself. When I decided to stop treatment that wasn’t helping and was prolonging his suffering, I got a lot of resistance from hospital staff. Be very sure about what you want done in different circumstances, write it down, get it notarized and tell your family.
The POLST or its equivalent is not just for nursing homes. No first responder is going to read a living will—they automatically try to save the patient.
It’s a good idea to have one completed and posted to your refrigerator. You can choose multiple levels of intervention. Have a separate sheet of emergency contacts and any meds, aside from having them on your smartphone.
My sister found a woman she knew incapacitated in her home and had no idea who to call. Her daughter was out of state and the woman’s phone didn’t assign an emergency contact that you could access from the Home Screen without a pin. Hours of calling around.
My older brother died a brutalizing death because he did not have a DNR. His heart had stopped and they “resuscitated” him several times, breaking his ribs and puncturing his lung in the process. He was in excruciating pain, but they wouldn’t give him pain meds because he was in danger of dying. WTF?!
Ah, that’s awful. It’s so important to talk about though, so thank you so much for sharing. I think people are often so afraid to have the conversation that they just avoid it and then their fear of awkwardness takes over everything. I hope the takeaway for folks is that powering through this conversation can save you so much sadness and pain.
Such an important, intimate, and touching piece. I've shared this journey with my mom , 2 brothers, and currently with my uncle. Each is vastly different, yet the same with the anguish. I've considered being the "person" for someone at end of life a sacred trust and honor of the divine in us all. Yet the joy is give and take with such agonizing. Thank you so much for sharing - you helped me today, and I bet a lot of others too.
This is not something to be afraid to talk with family members about.
Mother-in-law was required to sign paperwork expressing her wishes when she moved into assisted living. We asked to meet with her primary care to discuss this and sat in with her.
The provider explained POLST in very factual terms: If anyone in this facility comes into your apartment and finds you have expired, without you having signed this to decline CPR, no matter how long you may have been dead, they are required to begin CPR and not stop until you are handed off to EMTs.
Often with frail older people, the chest will be crushed. The chances of a recovery from CPR are quite low, far lower than anyone likes to admit (she gave a percent for elderly which was something like 11% — and that’s when CPR is started immediately after the heart stops.)
My M-I-L, who had been strongly death averse said she wanted nothing of the sort. She immediately picked up the pen and signed the DNR/POLST. It was the first time anyone in the medical profession had every spoken to her directly about the reality of death and dying.
LET US DIE PEACEFULLY and NATURALLY.
It does take effort to make sure every provider and facility this document. Making your wishes known to family members is great kindness and eases their suffering and worry.
Now for distressing reality. Just know, some hospitals and doctors will not respect even properly executed documents. There is money to be made on extending the length of dying. Utah is one of those states. Make inquiries about your state laws.
I’ve also found out by experience that if you use a standard template for a living will, it may only apply if you have an incurable fatal disease or if you are in a permanent unconscious state. Neither of those conditions applied when my husband went into the hospital and yet he wasn’t of sound mind to make decisions for himself. When I decided to stop treatment that wasn’t helping and was prolonging his suffering, I got a lot of resistance from hospital staff. Be very sure about what you want done in different circumstances, write it down, get it notarized and tell your family.
To know what your loved one wants and to be prevented from doing that is so, so awful. I’m so sorry that happened to you!
The POLST or its equivalent is not just for nursing homes. No first responder is going to read a living will—they automatically try to save the patient.
It’s a good idea to have one completed and posted to your refrigerator. You can choose multiple levels of intervention. Have a separate sheet of emergency contacts and any meds, aside from having them on your smartphone.
My sister found a woman she knew incapacitated in her home and had no idea who to call. Her daughter was out of state and the woman’s phone didn’t assign an emergency contact that you could access from the Home Screen without a pin. Hours of calling around.
Yes, what a good point, having a med list and emergency call numbers printed out is a great idea.
My older brother died a brutalizing death because he did not have a DNR. His heart had stopped and they “resuscitated” him several times, breaking his ribs and puncturing his lung in the process. He was in excruciating pain, but they wouldn’t give him pain meds because he was in danger of dying. WTF?!
Ah, that’s awful. It’s so important to talk about though, so thank you so much for sharing. I think people are often so afraid to have the conversation that they just avoid it and then their fear of awkwardness takes over everything. I hope the takeaway for folks is that powering through this conversation can save you so much sadness and pain.
Such an important, intimate, and touching piece. I've shared this journey with my mom , 2 brothers, and currently with my uncle. Each is vastly different, yet the same with the anguish. I've considered being the "person" for someone at end of life a sacred trust and honor of the divine in us all. Yet the joy is give and take with such agonizing. Thank you so much for sharing - you helped me today, and I bet a lot of others too.
Ah, I’m sorry you’ve been through this multiple times. The anguish is definitely the same. I’m glad you were able to find joy along the way.
What a great public service you’ve done.
This is not something to be afraid to talk with family members about.
Mother-in-law was required to sign paperwork expressing her wishes when she moved into assisted living. We asked to meet with her primary care to discuss this and sat in with her.
The provider explained POLST in very factual terms: If anyone in this facility comes into your apartment and finds you have expired, without you having signed this to decline CPR, no matter how long you may have been dead, they are required to begin CPR and not stop until you are handed off to EMTs.
Often with frail older people, the chest will be crushed. The chances of a recovery from CPR are quite low, far lower than anyone likes to admit (she gave a percent for elderly which was something like 11% — and that’s when CPR is started immediately after the heart stops.)
My M-I-L, who had been strongly death averse said she wanted nothing of the sort. She immediately picked up the pen and signed the DNR/POLST. It was the first time anyone in the medical profession had every spoken to her directly about the reality of death and dying.
LET US DIE PEACEFULLY and NATURALLY.
It does take effort to make sure every provider and facility this document. Making your wishes known to family members is great kindness and eases their suffering and worry.
Now for distressing reality. Just know, some hospitals and doctors will not respect even properly executed documents. There is money to be made on extending the length of dying. Utah is one of those states. Make inquiries about your state laws.
Yes! Thank you so much for sharing this. I’m so glad your MIL had someone really speak to her in a respectful, direct way. Everyone deserves that!