Making the most of attending a doctor's appointment

Tips for going along to appointments without taking over.

“What’s going on? How are you feeling?” my dad’s nurse practitioner, Brian, asked.

I liked him. He was warm and smart, and he listened to us. He directed all his questions at my dad, even if I jumped in to answer. He explained what he was going to do before he did it.

My dad cleared his throat to answer. “The biggest problem I have is insomnia.”

“Oh, that’s the biggest problem?” I said, rolling my eyes. “Not your inability to stand long enough to cook or wash dishes?”

My dad was sleepy literally all the time. I felt like if he just did things, went for walks, lifted the green bean cans I gave him to stand in for dumbbells, saw the sunlight occasionally, he would be able to sleep at night. He didn’t, I was sure, need a pill to go to sleep. I was sure I knew best.

I wish I had been more thoughtful, less petulant. I resented that so much fell onto my shoulders, but I also wanted him to trust me to handle the burden. Caring for your elderly parent, when they’ve cared for you for so long, is hard.

I can’t remember when exactly I started going to doctors’ appointments with my dad. He was still driving (and could have driven himself) but asked me to come along anyway. I think he knew he couldn’t rely on himself to remember the answer to every question, to follow through on any instructions, or ask the most important questions.

The visits were sometimes fun, with us gently teasing each other on the way over. I drove him in his beloved big red Cadillac and needled him by often forgetting to return the seat to its original position and casually swinging the car into parking spots, rather than gingerly easing it in.

They were often less fun, with me trying to control the situation, to get us there on time, to get the doctor to answer his questions, to get my dad to answer the doctor’s questions honestly. If I interjected and corrected an answer (“You haven’t walked to the pool in months, dad;” “You do still sometimes drink Scotch, right?”), he would scowl at me. But if I managed to remember something important, like the name of his cardiologist or the date of his last urology appointment, he’d smile and tell me he was so glad I was there. I never knew exactly what response I was going to get, and it was maddening.

I used shame more often than I’d like to admit. I’ve done a lot of reading and thinking about gentle parenting since I had kids, and I wish I had been able to put some of those principles into practice with my dad when I was taking care of him. I wish I had validated his feelings, but, more often than not, I was exasperated by them.

Here are some things I wish I had done instead:

Keep in mind your role. Most Americans don’t have access to a geriatrician, the kind of doctor who assesses all your parent’s needs, understands all their conditions, keeps tabs on all their medications and specialists, and makes recommendations based on the big picture. (The most recent stats from the American Geriatrics Society say there’s about one geriatrician for every 6,500 elderly people in the United States.)

My dad had a primary care doctor who had a lot of elderly patients, but he didn’t have a geriatrician. So, like me, you may have to take on some of that role—zooming out to see the whole landscape of what your parent is facing, what the strategy is for helping them, and what goals they have. Part of that strategy is likely to be attending doctor’s appointments.

Take notes. You might think you will remember, but you will not. You can do this on your phone, but depending on your parent’s tech skills, they may prefer to be able to refer to something printed or handwritten. Try to review your notes from their last visit before heading to their appointment. I regretted not doing this often enough, especially as a future appointment was canceled and I needed to remember something that happened more than two months earlier.

Or consider recording. The comedian Sarah Silverman has a new special about losing her stepmother and father in the same year. She says that when she couldn’t attend doctor’s appointments with her parents, she’d ask them to record the entire visit and post it in the family WhatsApp chat. This enabled her to hear her father’s reaction to her stepmother’s cancer diagnosis, not just get the information.

Always bring a list of current meds. A local pharmacy delivered my dad’s meds each month, and it was easy for me to check whether he’d been taking them. I often took a photo of the list that came with the meds and referred to that during the appointment. Some doctors may want you to bring the medication bottles themselves. Check with your parent’s doctor about what they prefer, or just bring both the list and the bottles to the first appointment you attend. Be sure to include any vitamins and supplements. (More on handling your parent’s meds here.)

Draft a list of questions. Before you go, ask your parent what questions they have. Try to remember what questions the doctor asked at the last appointment and review those questions with your parent on the way to the appointment. If you prepare well, you may empower your parent to answer the questions in the room themselves, without you having to interject. This may allow them to feel more independent and proactive. At the end of the appointment, ask your parent if they have anything else to say or ask.

Ask for clarification. If the doctor says something like “stage 4,” don’t be afraid to ask how the stages are decided, how many stages there are, what happens when they get to the next stage, how will we know they’re in the next stage, how quickly might this progress, etc. If they use an acronym or a term with which you’re unfamiliar, ask them to slow it down and explain things. Tell them you’re taking notes. Explain it back to them and then ask, “Have I explained that right? Is there anything else you think we should know?”

Don’t be shy in asking for things. The worst thing that happens is that they say no. Here are some examples: do you think he would benefit from physical therapy for this? Do you know of any services that pay for modifications to your home to prevent things like this from happening in the future? It’s getting hard for me to get him to these appointments, do you have any suggestions on making it easier?

Ask for homework. What would you like to see us work on between now and when we see you again?

Keep in mind that this might be a big deal. If your parent doesn’t leave the house much, like my dad, or doesn’t get a lot of social contact, this doctor’s visit might be their only time out this week or this month. It might be the only time they talk to someone outside their family. If they feel like they need to shower, get their hair done, or have things just right in order to go, keep this in mind. Also, it might be painful for your parent to be reliant on someone else. When your parent allows you to chaperone them to a doctor’s appointment, it may spark a feeling of vulnerability.

Be prepared to wait. If you need to find a new doctor for your parent, it can take awhile. Depending on where you live, it may be hard to find a primary care doctor (let alone a geriatrician). Our country’s model of fee-for-service health care does not adequately reimburse doctors for how long it takes to see elderly patients, who often have trouble hearing, seeing, getting to appointments, or processing what they’re being asked. There are far fewer geriatricians and primary care doctors than are needed in most areas of the country, so if you are planning to change doctors, start as early as you can.

Help with virtual visits. If your parent sometimes sees doctors via an app, be sure they fully understand the technology. Because they don’t have to shower or get in the car or make their way into an office, it can be easier to do a virtual visit, but it can be more complicated in other ways—it’s hard to hold the phone or the iPad, talk into the speaker, fully understand what the doctor is saying, and also take notes. Consider sitting with them as they do the visit, just as you would for an in-person appointment. Also, your parent’s doctor may observe things in person that they would miss while doing the visit virtually, so try to encourage in-person appointments occasionally if possible.

Throwing it back to you: What would you add to this list? Have you attended doctor’s appointments with your parent? Let me know in the comments if there’s something you found to make it easier.