So, I just discovered your Substack. I'm not in your demographic (my husband and I are in our early 60s), but we took his mother into our home 7 years ago when it became apparent that she could no longer live on her own. My struggle is this: my husband has a sister and a brother, both of whom live in our city, and they have done ABSOLUTELY. NOTHING. to help. Not a penny contributed, not a minute staying with her so we can have a break.
I'm still working full-time (although scheduled to retire next June), and we also have a disabled daughter and grandson who live 3 hours away who need our emotional and financial support. I am feeling so resentful of my husband's entire family and even of him because he insists we have to do it all, even though his siblings don't have children and his sister is better off financially than we are. I hate feeling this way but don't know how to avoid it.
My heart goes out to you; you’re doing SO much. It’s so hard when it’s your in-laws, and it’s really hard to disentangle from resentment once it starts knotting you up. Do you have individual or couples therapy? Do you feel like your husband’s siblings know you need more help? Again, so sorry you’re dealing with so much.
Particularly this part: “Given the emotional weight of the role, caregivers are often told to practice self-care: Go for a walk, do yoga. Caregiver identity theory suggests another approach: Think about who you were before, who you are now, and how those two yous relate.”
I love this so much! "It can excavate and reorganize the soul, what one caregiver calls mind and body fracking." And the description of the disconnect when you're worried about your parent and your coworkers are talking about vacations--yep, that tracks. Thanks for sharing!
So, I just discovered your Substack. I'm not in your demographic (my husband and I are in our early 60s), but we took his mother into our home 7 years ago when it became apparent that she could no longer live on her own. My struggle is this: my husband has a sister and a brother, both of whom live in our city, and they have done ABSOLUTELY. NOTHING. to help. Not a penny contributed, not a minute staying with her so we can have a break.
I'm still working full-time (although scheduled to retire next June), and we also have a disabled daughter and grandson who live 3 hours away who need our emotional and financial support. I am feeling so resentful of my husband's entire family and even of him because he insists we have to do it all, even though his siblings don't have children and his sister is better off financially than we are. I hate feeling this way but don't know how to avoid it.
My heart goes out to you; you’re doing SO much. It’s so hard when it’s your in-laws, and it’s really hard to disentangle from resentment once it starts knotting you up. Do you have individual or couples therapy? Do you feel like your husband’s siblings know you need more help? Again, so sorry you’re dealing with so much.
I thought of you and this newsletter post when I read this article! https://www.npr.org/2025/04/01/nx-s1-5336314/caregiver-caregiving-identity-family-support-burnout (Your post and the article are both so good; I’m learning a ton!)
Particularly this part: “Given the emotional weight of the role, caregivers are often told to practice self-care: Go for a walk, do yoga. Caregiver identity theory suggests another approach: Think about who you were before, who you are now, and how those two yous relate.”
I love this so much! "It can excavate and reorganize the soul, what one caregiver calls mind and body fracking." And the description of the disconnect when you're worried about your parent and your coworkers are talking about vacations--yep, that tracks. Thanks for sharing!