What is Learn From My Mistakes?
A newsletter with practical advice for a period of life you might not realize you’re in—your parents are getting old, and you need help.
As your parents get older, you are going to make mistakes. You are going to fail to prepare for something you should have foreseen, or you’re going to trust someone who fails you. You are going to regret not asking your parent a question when you had the chance, or you’re going to regret not enjoying something good in the moment because you were focused on some future thing. It’s inevitable that you will make mistakes. I created this newsletter, though, so maybe you don’t make my mistakes. You’ll make your own, of course, but maybe you can learn from mine.
So, this is Learn From My Mistakes. I’m Lauren. A few years ago, I lost my dad after a long period of decline. About a decade and half earlier, I’d lost my mom after a bad diagnosis and a rapid decline.
Having zero parents feels very bad. Yes, I have a loving husband, two kids who are so attached to me you’d think their umbilical cords were still connecting us, in-laws who could write books about being great in-laws, a sister-in-law who laughs at literally every joke I make, and a handful of very close friends, including some whom I’ve known since middle school. But having zero parents is its own special kind of lonely.
After my mom died, I moved to New York to work at my first grownup job at a nonprofit. I loved the work, but I started to grow anxious about my dad being so far away and so alone. After less than a year in New York, I moved back to Florida to be close to my dad. He didn’t need caregiving at that point, but I needed to feel close to him. He was 67 and in reasonably good health.
Over time, both his mental and physical health began to decline. I started to come over more often, first to visit and then to do tasks he couldn’t or wouldn’t do on his own. Eventually, he stopped driving, and his friends stopped including him in plans. As an only child, with all of my dad’s family out of the picture, everything fell to me. I began to manage his finances, nutrition, medication, home maintenance, transportation, and doctor’s appointments. I didn’t know I was signing up to manage all these tasks, and, as I was juggling my own messy life, when each task became not a favor but a responsibility, I was honestly and ridiculously surprised.
One of the biggest mistakes I made in caring for my dad as he aged was not being prepared.
I worried about losing him, but I didn’t channel that worry into planning. That’s a mistake that you can avoid by subscribing to Learn From My Mistakes. Each week, I’ll give you practical tips you can use to prepare for caregiving responsibilities, conversation starters you can use no matter how healthy your parents currently are, and the background knowledge you need to feel ready for the journey ahead of you.
The thing is, losing our parents is the natural order of things. As adults, we are supposed to lose our parents. An adult child losing a parent is hard, but a parent losing a child is a tragedy. Most children outlive their parents, so it makes sense to prepare for this stage of life. And if you prepare for it, you will be better able to enjoy it.
I can hear some of you resisting here. Like, how am I supposed to enjoy caring for my parents?! But if you aren’t burdened by the weight of mistakes you’ve made, things you wish you would have done, you will be better able to find joy in this time with your parents.
As your parent enters this new stage of life, one of your jobs is to figure out how to enjoy being around them. My dad and I had all these inside jokes about the doctors and nurses we saw regularly at his frequent appointments. He liked when I’d take the long way to drive him home and choose the bumpy brick streets by Coffee Pot Bayou. He loved when I’d call on the way home from work and talk about that week’s football games. Being with your parent as they age is a gift—just ask anyone who lost their parent too young. But it’s hard to see it that way when you’re constantly stressed about what’s next or unsure of how to help. My mission in creating Learn From My Mistakes is to help you with the hard parts of caregiving so that you have the bandwidth to enjoy this time with your parent.
DISCLAIMER: THIS WEBSITE DOES NOT PROVIDE LEGAL OR MEDICAL ADVICE. Any information, content, and materials provided through this website are for general educational and informational purposes only. Information on this website may not constitute the most up-to-date legal, medical, or other information. No material on this site is intended to be a substitute for professional legal advice or for professional medical advice, diagnosis, or treatment. Readers of this website should contact their attorney to obtain advice with respect to any particular legal matter and seek the advice of their licensed physician or other qualified health care provider with any questions they may have regarding a medical condition or treatment and before undertaking a new health care regimen. Never disregard professional legal or medical advice or delay seeking legal or medical advice because of something you have read on this website. Reliance on any information provided through this website is solely at your own risk.
This website contains links to other third-party websites. Such links are only for the convenience of the reader, user, or browser; we do not recommend or endorse the contents of the third-party sites.
